When God Made Moms

By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"

"And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yes, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"Yes, she is soft", the Lord agreed, "But I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the inquisitive Angel.

The Lord smiled and replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That is a tear!"

"What's the tear for? the Angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Truly, You do all things well... Moms are truly amazing!"

Happy Mother's Day!

By Erma Bombeck

Ten More Commandments

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes--you can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

Do Not Hurt Yourself

One night a snake, looking for food, entered a carpenter's workshop. The carpenter, who was a rather untidy man, had left several of his tools lying on the floor. One of them was a saw.

As the snake went round and round the shop, he climbed over the saw, which gave him a little cut. At once, thinking that the saw was attacking him, he turned around and bit it so hard that his mouth started to bleed. This made him very angry.

He attacked again and again until the saw was covered with blood and seemed to be dead. Dying from his own wounds, the snake decided to give one last hard bite then turned away.

The next morning the carpenter was surprised to find a dead snake on his doorstep.

Moral: Sometimes in trying to hurt others, we only hurt ourselves.

The Law Of The Garbage Truck

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did.

10 Ways to Embrace Change

1. Don't just do something; sit there. If you're facing a massive rescaling of your life, your first impulse will be to go into a whirring spin of activity. In the realm of language learning, there's a stage called the silent period: Adults may try to avoid going through it, but if you take a kid and plop her down in Paris for a spell, she'll naturally clam up for a few months. When she opens her mouth, her French will have flowered. Making sense of a major change is a lot like that. You need to allow yourself a fallow period before you can blossom.

2. Mother yourself a little. When familiar routines suddenly dissolve, it can seem as if all your supports are gone. It's crucial, while absorbing the shock of the new, to make yourself feel well taken care of. Prepare nutritious meals for the week ahead. If you can spare the cash, have someone come in and clean the house. Yes, you need to take some time for yourself, but don't let the pizza boxes pile up.

3. Ignore your inner reptile. There's a part of the human mind that is often referred to as the "lizard brain," because it existed in even the earliest land animals. The lizard brain is concerned with survival; it likes the tried and true, so it's likely to pipe up right now, flooding you with adrenaline warnings of "Danger!" as you veer off course. This was a handy function to have when deviating from the familiar path to the watering hole may have led to an encounter with a saber-toothed tiger. But in the modern world it's like a misfiring car alarm: pointless and annoying.

4. Silence your inner know-it-all, too. When I interviewed the eminent linguist Alton Becker, I asked what makes someone good at languages. It helps not to be too smart, he said, explaining, "Smart people don't like having their minds changed, and to learn a language, you have to change your mind." If you're so smart that you can't rethink your positions, all your IQ points won't do you much good when your life is turned upside down. Becker's advice applies across the board.

5. Seek out new perspectives. Zen practitioners cultivate the "don't know" mind; they work to assume they don't know anything and in that way see the world fresh. This is a great way to approach change―as an opportunity to start anew, to consider all possibilities. Ask naive, wide-eyed questions of anyone who is doing anything you might be interested in trying. Listen seriously to arguments you might once have dismissed.

6. Try something new and slightly scary. Why? Because now is the time to explore what it is that you really like. Catch yourself off-guard and see what happens. At a time when I was feeling most stuck, I spontaneously volunteered to get up onstage at an open-mic storytelling evening in New York City. The experience was elating and terrifying and showed me that I wanted to lead a more creative life.

7. Be skeptical of common wisdom. It's dangerous to live in the aggregate, especially when you're trying to figure out your next move. One year, everyone knows you need an M.B.A. to succeed at anything. The next, they're saying that there are no jobs out there anyway, so don't even try. In my case, everyone but I knew that you can't learn a language at age 43. But since no one alerted me to that fact, that's what I set my sights on.

8. Learn to live with uncertainty. When I began learning Hindi, my teacher encouraged me to get out and practice with native speakers in New York. I wound up asking a waiter for love (pyar) when I'd meant to request a cup (pyala). But in that way I inched into a new language. That anxious feeling does not signal that you're doing something wrong, only that you're trying something new.

9. Say "really?" a lot. When you start to turn this sudden shift in your life to your advantage, you might shake up a lot of people, especially the ones who aren't happy with how they're living. To them, your efforts to move forward may feel like a glaring searchlight that needs to be switched off and fast. To their descriptions of the terrible fates that will surely befall you if you dive headlong into a new life, respond with "Really?" Alternatively, "Oh, yeah?" works, too.

10. Shed your old skin. Discard physical clutter, tired ideas, old routines. Seeing things through another's eyes can help. I had that chance when the Hindi school I enrolled in asked me to list my daily requirements. I could honestly have said, "For the past 62 days, I've eaten pineapple sandwiches for breakfast: toast, butter, canned pineapple (sliced, not crushed). Bedtime: white-noise machine (surf, not rain), four pillows (two hard, two soft)." Instead I wrote, "None." It's only when you have cast off what has been weighing you down that you can finally move on.

The King With Four Wives

Once upon a time there was a rich king who had four wives. He loved the fourth wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the third wife very much and showed her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his second wife. She was his confidante and she was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the king faced a problem, he could confide in her to help him get through the difficult times.

The king's first wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife but although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the King fell ill and he knew that his time was short. Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.

Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad king asked the third wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I am going to remarry!"

His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out of this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "The very most, I can only send you to your grave."

Her answer came like a bolt of thunder and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go."

The king looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, because she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved the King said, "I should have taken better care of you when I had a chance!"

• Our 4th wife is our BODY. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look great, it'll leave us when we die.
• Our 3rd wife is our POSSESSIONS, STATUS and WEALTH. When we die, it will all go to others.
• Our 2nd wife is our FAMILY and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
• Our 1st wife is our SOUL, often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the ego. However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. So cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now! It is your greatest gift to offer the world.

Sometimes.

Sometimes we forget that there are people watching

Us (I mean our actions).

Sometimes we forget we are letters read on a daily basis.

In these letters we are sometimes the headings, the lines,

The chapters, the verses, the comas, the full stops which

Are all important.

Sometimes we forget that there are those who take serious

What we do slightly and think there hasn't been any impact made.

Sometimes we forget that the power to do good to others

Lies within us and when we release it we are bound to be

Affected by the same.

Sometimes we ignore the fact that whatever we sow is what

We reap in life

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.

-Joel Mbowa

Not So Deep Thoughts for the Day

1. The things that come to those who wait maybe the things left by those who got there first.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
4. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
5. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost, and blamed it on the cost of living.
6. Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

 

 

Oh, The People Who Hate You

except from The Daily Show 1/31/2013

They do not like you Barack Obama,
Whether on a plane, a train, or llama.

They do not like you shooting skeet,
They do not like you eating meat.


They do not like you drinking beer,
or even if you roped a steer.

They won't like you with the monster trucks,
because, young man, they do not give a f*ck

They do not like you when you pray,
They did not like you anti-gay.

They do not like you cutting tax,
You could not stand... when you wore your mommy slacks...

You cannot reach across the aisle,
Cuz everything you do is vile.

They complained when you killed Osama...

So, on a plane, a train, or a llama,
Rolling a 44 at Bowl-O-Rama,
Despite your nice white Kansas mama.

Coma.

They do not like you, Barack Obama.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the degree to which individuals feel comfortable with themselves as they are, believe that they have inherent value as individuals, and demonstrate confidence in their ability to successfully achieve their own measure of success

How do you become better tomorrow?

By improving yourself, the world is made better. Be not afraid of growing too slowly. Be afraid of standing still. Forget your mistakes, but remember what they taught you. So how do you become better tomorrow? By becoming better today.


Benjamin Franklin

It Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done

But he with a chuckle replied

That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one

Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin

On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;

At least no one ever has done it;”

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat

And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,

Without any doubting or quid it,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

Hot Dogs - CEO Ray Kroc famously prohibited the company from selling hot dogs, regardless of potential demand, as he regarded them as unhygienic in his 1977 autobiography; however, UK Stores did sell Hot Dogs during the late nineties on the McChoice menu (later PoundSaver). Also, at least one American restaurant offered Oscar Mayer hot dogs at some time, and McDonald's locations at Toronto Metro Zoo and SkyDome in Toronto offered hot dogs until 1999. In Tokyo locations hot dogs were available in 2001

Smart Blonde Joke.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

88 Things to S ay to Irritate a Republican

01. A Socialist wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.
02. Jesus healed the sick and helped the poor, for free.
03. Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee were traitors.
04. The South lost the Civil War, get over it.
05. The Founding Fathers were liberals.
06. Fascism is a right-wing trait.
07. The Earth is round.
08. Ronald Reagan supported gun control.
09. Reagan raised taxes eleven times as President.
10. Reagan legalized abortion as Governor of California.
11. Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency.
12. Global warming is real.
13 Republicans hate illegal immigrants, unless they need their lawns mowed or their houses cleaned.
14. The military is a government-run institution, so why do Republicans approve the defense budget?
15. The Cold War is over and the Soviet Union no longer exists.
16. Paying taxes is patriotic.
17. Republicans: Peddling the same failed economic policies since 1880.
18. The Republican Party began as a liberal party.
19. The Presidents’ full name is Barack Hussein Obama and he was born in the United States of America.
20. George W. Bush held hands with the King of Saudi Arabia.
21. President Obama saved the American auto industry, while Republicans wanted to destroy it.
22. Hate is not a Christian virtue.
23. Jesus was a liberal.
24. Republicans spend MORE money than Democrats.
25. Tea parties are for little girls.
26. The Constitution is the law, NOT the Bible.
27. The President is NOT a Muslim.
28. Corporations are NOT people. People are people.
29. Fox News isn’t real news, it’s just a racist, sexist, hateful, right-wing propaganda machine.
30. The Federal Reserve was a Republican idea.
31. Women are equal citizens who deserve equal rights.
32. Women control their own bodies.
33. Abortion is a relevant medical procedure, just ask Rick Santorum.
34. Social Security is solvent through 2038.
35. Health care is a right, not a product.
36. Roe v. Wade was a bipartisan ruling made by a conservative leaning Supreme Court.
37. G.O.P also stands for Gross Old Perverts.
38. The donkey shouldn’t be the Democratic mascot because Republicans are the real jackasses.
39. Barack Obama ordered the killing of Osama Bin Laden. It took him two and half years to do what Bush couldn’t do in eight.
40. Waterboarding IS torture.
41. 9/11 happened on George W. Bush’s watch, therefore he did NOT keep America safe.
42. Republicans invaded Iraq for oil, so Iraq should be allowed to invade Texas to get it back.
43. Separation of church and state is in the Constitution, it’s called the First Amendment.
44. Muslims are protected by the Constitution, just as much as Christians.
45. Barack Obama is the first African-American President, get over it.
46. America is a nation of immigrants, therefore we are all anchor babies.
47. The white race isn’t disappearing, it’s evolving.
48. The Earth is 4.54 billion years old, not 6,000.
49. The Founding Fathers did not free the slaves.
50. The Revolution was NOT fought over slavery.
51. Federal law trumps state law.
52. The Civil War was about slavery, NOT state’s rights.
53. Corporations care more about profits than they do about people.
54. Getting out of a recession requires government spending.
55. Glenn Beck is a nut-job.
56. Republicans: Paranoid since 1932.
57. Republicans don’t want to pay for your birth control, but they want you to pay for their Viagra.
58. Fox News is owned by an Australian and has a Saudi prince as an investor.
59. Republicans complain about immigrants taking American jobs, then freely give American jobs to foreigners overseas.
60. Republicans hate communism, so why do they refer to themselves as red states?
61. Labor unions built this country.
62. Republicans hold America hostage as a political strategy; the temper tantrum throwing kind of political strategy.
63. Inside every Republican is a Klansman or a Nazi waiting to bloom.
64. Republicans only care about children BEFORE they are born.
65. Republicans are hypocrites, they’re just too stupid to know it.
66. The Christian-Right boycotts movies that have violence, and then promotes guns and insurrection.
67. I think therefore I am NOT a Republican.
68. Republicans that oppose gay marriage are most likely in the closet themselves.
69. Churches should stay out of politics, or be taxed.
70. People are too poor to vote Republican.
71. Democrats think for themselves, Republicans form think tanks to do it for them.
72. Republicans hate education because they couldn’t hack it in school.
73. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins and Republicans wallow in it.
74. A little socialism on the Left is better than a little fascism on the Right.
75. The current corporate tax rate is the lowest in 60 years, so stop whining about it being too high.
76. Republicans: Anti-Gay Marriage, Pro-Lesbian sex.
77. Republicans: Terrorizing the American people since 1981.
78. Republicans have their own terrorists, just look up Timothy McVeigh.
79. Republicans love outsourcing, just ask the Chinese Communists.
80. The Republican answer to the oil spill was to apologize to BP, a foreign oil company.
81. Democrats will be working hard to bring jobs to Americans, while the Republicans tea bag each other in the middle of the aisles.
82. Voter disenfranchisement is immoral and un-American, that’s why Republicans do it.
83. Republicans would let your house burn down unless you pay them to put it out.
84. Democrats want to take care of the sick. Republicans take their credit cards and then deny them medical attention.
85. Republicans say teachers are union thugs, then proceed to rape and mug the entire middle class on behalf of corporations.
86. Republicans think rape isn’t a crime, but miscarriages are.
87. Republicans are idiots and arguing with them is a waste of time!
88. President Obama was rightfully re-elected to a second term.

Bottom line? If you want to anger a conservative, tell them the truth.

Each Morning When I Open My Eyes

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.  – Groucho Marx

Rules for the Year

1. Make realistic goals for yourself, write them down, pray about them and try to achieve them.
2. Go through your cell phone, caller id, calendar and email addresses and discard the people and events that mean you no good or don't benefit your life.
3. If you are between the ages of 25-35 please start listening to more than Hip-Hop and Pop!
4. Take care of your kids and devote a weekend or two when you spend "quality" time with them. Who cares if you miss out on a "mix"! You can party anytime!
5. Get your debt in order!
6. Stop trying to validate reasons for what is wrong. Wrong is just flat out wrong.
7. Don't try to impress people that don't matter.
8. Don't spread senseless rumors or be a pot stirrer. Try to get your own life in order!
9. Stop being someone's mistress. You can try to secretly call, text or creep in the most private way or place but you cannot hide from God.
10. Listen More. Talk less.
11. Don’t get above yourself or means.
12. Be a giver and not a taker! You cannot give with a closed hand nor receive with a closed hand.
13. Don't expect be on the receiving end all the time. You receive more when you actually give.
14. If God delivers you form a messy relationship, friend or situation, why do you keep PULLING THEM BACK? Let it go .
15. Tell people you love them!
16. Speak clearly and not ignorantly! Anyone can be a fool.
17. Stop waiting on Tax Season and save NOW!
18. Eat what you need and not just because you can.
19. See how long you can go without checking your cell phone when it's NOT ringing.
20. Be more positive!
21. Be considerate of others feelings. Appreciate everyone. Why do people put others down for the most ridiculous things?!
22. Keep your opinion to yourself! We all know what others should do, but what about you?
23. If you aren't in a relationship, it's not the end of the world! Self love is more valuable.
24. Broaden your mind!
25. Live life today like it's your last, love like God taught us and laugh.
26. Forgive! Forgive! Forgive! All of us have been forgiven for something. God forgave you.