The Four Stages of Life

• Stage One: You believe in Santa.
• Stage Two: You don’t believe in Santa.
• Stage Three: You are Santa.
• Stage Four: You look like Santa.

The Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the
back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while,
and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Seems Fair

A husband and wife stood in a courtroom waiting to hear the judge’s ruling on their divorce proceedings.

“Sir, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $1,000 a week.”

“That seems fair, Your Honor,” the husband replied, “and every now and then I’ll try to send her a few dollars myself.”

Since the beginning of time women have been saying that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles. Here is proof that they are wrong: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It would be nice to have another child.” But you will never hear a man say, “ I could go for another kick in the nuts.”

A racist walks into a bar

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sittingt in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks buddy!" The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much attention to it.

The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is the same black guy sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, "I'm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" The crowd are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks buddy!" The racist scratches his head and asks the bartender, "Why is that black guy thanking me when he's the only person I'm not buying drinks for?"

"Well" the bartender responds, "he owns this place.

Do I know U?

A man was in a supermarket when an attractive women waved, walked up to him and said hello. He was taken aback because he couldn’t place where he knew her from.

“How do I know you?” he asked.

She replied, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

The man though back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful to his wife.

“My God!.” He said, “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party who had sex with me on the pool table while all my buddies watched and while I licked whip crème off your partner’s boobs?”

“No!” she said calmly. “I’m your son’s grade school teacher.”

Getting It In

An elderly couple had been dating for several months when the man finally decided to broach the subject of physical relations.

“What are your thoughts on sex at our age?” he asked tentatively

“I like it infrequently.” She replied

The man sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned in closer towards her and said, “Just to clarify, was that one word or two?”

Hot Chocolate & Viagra

A man went to visit his elderly father in a nursing home. He noticed that the nurse had given him hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asked the nurse, "Why are you doing that?"

The nurse said, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man said and "The Viagra?"

The nurse replied " Oh, that keeps him from falling out of the bed."

A Busload of Politiciains

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."